DatingJosh

This morning dawned overcast and cool. June 10th, my 32nd birthday, had arrived with all the all the fanfare of a rubble pile sliding over the crest of a ridge. I lay awake and took inventory of my life to this point. Career? On track, for the most part, though a couple years behind. I certainly will not realize the joys of home ownership anytime soon. Health? My back hurts a little, nothing earth-shattering. I have dropped several pounds and an inch off my waist as of late. In fact, I really do not have much to gripe about. My 30’s have been kind and gentle so far.

I have received several cards, missives, and messages from family and friends, and all are very much appreciated. Over the past few weeks, many of those in my life have asked a similar question, “what do you want for your birthday?”

After a great deal of thought, here is my answer: What I want is very simple. It does not cost even one dollar, yet it is more valuable and priceless to me than any sum of money. It can be fragile and fleeting, yet if nurtured, it will endure for a lifetime. It is a thing that many, myself included, all too often take for granted, yet it has been the inspiration for some of the most wonderful works of music, art and literature ever conceived by man and woman. It is something that, a short time ago, was freely and unhesitatingly given to me, yet now there is nothing I would not to to win it back.

This gift of which I speak is the most precious gift of all. It is the gift of love. Kimberly’s love on my birthday is the only thing I wished for. Without it, everything else scarcely matters.

Last year Kim baked me a strawberry cheesecake. It was the most beautiful cheesecake I have ever seen. I could have published a photograph of it in “Vogue!” This was no cheesecake for mere mortals, either; this behemoth must have weighed 6 or 7 pounds. There was no way on earth I was going to polish it off by myself, but that did not stop me from trying. I think I ended up throwing out almost half of it, but I still enjoyed every single bite.

This year I am alone. Every woman I meet, every first date takes me that much farther away from her. To think that I have lost her forever, that she will never again be a part of my life is almost too much to bear; it makes me dizzy and light-headed when I try to wrap my mind around it. It pains me greatly to think that she is spending my birthday with someone else, happy and content with her life’s new routine.

Tomorrow is one whole month since my failed experiment, and it is hard for me to deny the ineluctable conclusion that she is likely torn from my life forever. She has spent several weeks with the knowledge that I am in love with her and longingly await her return to my life; even this has not been enough to stem the tide. She has closed the door on that room of her heart and scattered the shards of the key to the winds.

I am not going to give up yet, Kim. I will continue to bear the burden of this heartache. Your love is far too important to me. Sometimes, when we close our eyes and blow out the birthday candles, miracles happen. Please be my miracle.

Happy Birthday to me.