Marvelous Day; Day Of Renewal Saturday, May 19, 2007
Posted by T-Bomb in CWE, Heartbreak, Thought.add a comment
It is a perfect spring day along the banks of the Mississippi. A soft breeze blows forth from a deep, blameless, blue sky. There is a stillness enveloping me as I enjoy the sun on my face. It speaks of a calm tranquility I have not known for some weeks now.
It is graduation weekend for both St. Louis and Washington Universities. Everywhere in my neighborhood are families; generations of relations partaking in the festivities. I see mothers pushing infants in strollers; carrying them baby seats. I see young children laughing, fighting, playing. I see students basking in the achievements of their newly-minted but hard-won degrees. Most of all, I see couples. Parents with fierce pride and overarching joy at their brood’s successes. Grandparents beaming, thankful for the opportunity, while in the twilight of their lives, to be part of yet another seminal moment in families they have nurtured for decades. Aunts, Uncles, myriad cousins and well-wishers all brought together during this spring season of growth, birth, life.
Each time I observe a woman tenderly guiding her limping husband over a curb to safely cross the street, each time I see a man kiss his young bride under the dappled shade of oak or elm, each time I see two graduates arm-in-arm, smiling and carefree on this marvelous day, this blockbuster of all days, I am all the more saddened by the poignancy of my own loss. How truly wonderful and perfect it would be if I were able to walk among these well-dressed revelers with a glad heart and Kim’s beautiful, slender fingers entwined with my own.
She did not walk out to meet me today, as expected. I allowed myself only a small measure of hope on that accord so as not to be bitterly disappointed. She is not ready; she may not ever be. I must steel myself for that eventuality. I have attempted to make love of words in such a way to win back the song of my heart. Yet I know all too well from my own experiences that life is not like a romantic comedy; life comes with no instruction manuals, no guarantees.
So I will continue to wait for the winds to blow her back to me. I will continue to hope that she has not given up on me. I will continue to hope that her tremendous capacity to love brings her back on me.
I will continue to hope, though I deserve no better than the heartbreak I have wrought.
To borrow a line from one of my favorite movies of all time:
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
I love you so much, sweetheart.
-Joshua
Special Ross Thursday, May 17, 2007
Posted by T-Bomb in CWE, Heartbreak, St. Louis.3 comments
My brother, Ross, is the greatest guy I know. Here he is doing his Godzilla impression:
Lucky bastard got to live in Seattle for a few years. The shot you see was composed while overlooking the city from Kerry Park on Queen Anne hill, just north of the Space Needle. He actually lived within easy walking distance of this park! His first place had a commanding view of Elliot Bay to the west. You could see all of Magnolia hill and, on clear days, the majestic Olympic peninsula. We did several of these perspective “licking” shots, as we called them. We joked that we were going to publish them as a cofee table book! Think Kramer’s coffee table book about coffee tables… that actually could be converted into a coffee table. Not such a bad idea, is it?
Ross is coming to St. Louis next Wednesday for a much-needed visit. My liver has been training intensely the past several weeks for the upcoming marathon binge. Last time he came in we had a surreal experience. We were sitting outside on the patio of a local place (I live in the Central West End), drinking and eating some sushi. One sake bomb led to another, and we were soon basking in a mellow, fermented-rice-wine glow, laughing our asses off. We were sitting in front of a large plate-glass window. As I looked in through it, my eye was drawn to movement along the window’s baseboard. My head swiveled slowly down, vision slightly blurred from drink, and forced my eyes to lock on the source of movement. The object in question appeared to meet my gaze with two shiny, tiny black eyes partially obscured quivering whiskers. My synapes fired, and it dawned on me that I was staring at a fucking field mouse. In the window of the fucking restaurant! Holy cow! I smacked the side of my head and blinked, but my new-found friend remained, disconsolately licking its front paws.
I flailed at my brother. “Dude!” I exclaimed. “Dude!” Rendered mute, I merely pointed. His eyes focused on the spot my finger indicated and he just started cracking up. The mouse, as if aware of its status as the object of our ridicule, skulked off with its tail in the air, never to be seen from again.
I cannot even imagine what sort of creatures we will encounter this trip. Iguanas? Wolverines? I am just glad he is coming in. I need the support. Maybe for a few days I will be able to miss Kim a little bit less. Ross absolutely loves Kim, and she feels the same way about him. I wish he would have talked some sense into me a few months ago.
I cannot stop thinking about her eyes; I see them every time I close mine, as if she is on the opposite side of a one-way mirror.
Tonight is the season finale of ‘Scrubs’. J.D. and Kim. Of course her name has to be Kim. And of course she will get a second chance. Why the hell can’t life be more like a sitcom? I wish I could watch this one with my Kim so she could laugh at me when I cry like a little baby!
Love you, Doodle.
