I Got The On Call Beeper Blues Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Posted by T-Bomb in Rant, St. Louis.add a comment
At this moment I am peering down the dark, smooth-bored double barrels of a sleepless night that will stretch endlessly until the sun dawns. I am on call this week and this particular night I have found myself at the mercy of the transplant surgeons. My hospital performs a large number of kidney and liver transplants, which is a good thing, a wonderful thing. Sometimes, however, those donated organs are somewhat questionable in their health and viability, a rather unsettling thing. That is where my department comes in. As pathologists, we freeze small needle biopsies of the organ in question, stain them up and squint at them with a microscope to assess just how healthy (or bad) they are.
This is not always a good thing. As organs are harvested as soon as they come available, this process can happen in the middle of the night. Like tonight. I will be looking at potential donor kidney biopsies with the Chairman of my entire department tonight!
Well, at least I get to play a small part in giving the gift of life to someone in need. But boy am I going to be exhausted tomorrow!
A Beautiful Sunset On This Cool Night Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Posted by T-Bomb in Observations, St. Louis.1 comment so far
This evening the heat broke in St. Louis and a comfortable breeze swirled through the streets. I sat outside, enjoying the cool, peaceful evening and watched the sun set, gracefully sliding below the thick stand of trees on the edge of Forest Park. As the setting sun painted the low-slung, diaphanous clouds deep orange and violet I reflected, yet again, on the recent absurdity that has become my life. There are no solutions, merely recriminations. My feet remained firmly rooted to the rough-hewn stone beneath, unmoved by the desperate cries of my heart to run to her, run until my breath gives out and my legs fail; to fly to her, wide-eyed and delirious, seeking respite, nepenthe, peace. I silently screamed at the stone beneath my feet, yet the obdurate stone was unmoved.
So I arose, cast one last gaze toward the west and, as the last liquid vestiges of sunset glimmered in the foliage, I held my head up and slowly began my walk home knowing that, as always, my eyes would be drawn, as of their own accord, up the street toward where she lives; the evening’s final, unconscious expression of hope.
One Promise, Two Sisters Saturday, June 16, 2007
Posted by T-Bomb in Observations, St. Louis.add a comment
Pink was the color of the day today in St. Louis. Pink was the color of hope; the color of strength; the color of courage. On this day, pink descended in a wave and lifted us all in the tide of the indomitable human spirit because today tens of thousands of people joined together to honor a promise made 25 years ago.
Today, 3700 breast cancer survivors were joined by innumerable supporters for the annual Race For The Cure. Each and every woman, man, and child who showed up and lent their support on this hot, hazy Midwestern day had a smile on their face, love in their hearts, and words of hope voiced by their lips. Each and every one turned the fountains, streets, parks, and buildings of this city pink. There are not words that can express the soulful, perfect beauty of their endeavor as they celebrated each survivor and mourned each woman tragically felled by a disease they fervently hope will someday be stamped out.
37oo survivors; as numerous as the tears beading my lashes as I type. 3700 women, each placed in an extraordinary situation, each asking for something that comes so naturally to the rest of us: to be here in the morning to watch the sun dawn on a new day.
Nancy Brinker made a promise when she lost her sister, Susan. Honor that promise.
A Happy/Sad Weekend Sunday, May 27, 2007
Posted by T-Bomb in Heartbreak, St. Louis.add a comment
I have been busy this holiday weekend with my brother in town and have not had a chance to put my thoughts into cogent form, but I wanted to take a quick moment to show that I still care. I am greatly enjoying my brother’s visit and am so very glad he is here, but even his presence has not been able to fully remove the shadow that has been cast over me. Every single thing we have done this weekend; the Cardinals game, the Bar-B-Q rib fest, brunch, sitting outside at the coffee shop, everything has made me think about Kimberly and has made me wish she was there enjoying the moments with us. I found out that Ross had sent her a few text messages, asking her to meet up with us, even asking her to meet with him alone, and each fell on deaf ears.
I broke down and sent her a couple myself. I took a picture of Busch stadium in the middle of a rain delay and sent it to her, telling her that the reason it was raining was because we were so very sad she was not sitting with us. I even took a funny picture during the Rib Festival, which we attended last Memorial Weekend together, and told her how much we wished she were sharing delicious, sloppy ribs with us. She has not answered any of them. She is continuing to shut me out of her life, out of her heart, out of her world.
Kimberly, I hope you are having a wonderful holiday weekend. I wonder if you went to the Greek festival today. I wonder if you brought your new boyfriend. Please know that my brother and I truly want to see you; he because he thinks you are wonderful and believes that you should still be with his brother, and I because, well, I am more in love with you than I have ever been with any woman in my entire life.
I will be 32 years old in 14 days. The only birthday wish I plan on making is that somehow, sometime soon, you will remember the love you possess for me and you will allow me to prove to you that you can trust in my love; that you can trust in the fact that I want to build something with you that could last a lifetime.
I love you so much, Kimberly. I do not want to give up hope.
Special Ross Thursday, May 17, 2007
Posted by T-Bomb in CWE, Heartbreak, St. Louis.3 comments
My brother, Ross, is the greatest guy I know. Here he is doing his Godzilla impression:
Lucky bastard got to live in Seattle for a few years. The shot you see was composed while overlooking the city from Kerry Park on Queen Anne hill, just north of the Space Needle. He actually lived within easy walking distance of this park! His first place had a commanding view of Elliot Bay to the west. You could see all of Magnolia hill and, on clear days, the majestic Olympic peninsula. We did several of these perspective “licking” shots, as we called them. We joked that we were going to publish them as a cofee table book! Think Kramer’s coffee table book about coffee tables… that actually could be converted into a coffee table. Not such a bad idea, is it?
Ross is coming to St. Louis next Wednesday for a much-needed visit. My liver has been training intensely the past several weeks for the upcoming marathon binge. Last time he came in we had a surreal experience. We were sitting outside on the patio of a local place (I live in the Central West End), drinking and eating some sushi. One sake bomb led to another, and we were soon basking in a mellow, fermented-rice-wine glow, laughing our asses off. We were sitting in front of a large plate-glass window. As I looked in through it, my eye was drawn to movement along the window’s baseboard. My head swiveled slowly down, vision slightly blurred from drink, and forced my eyes to lock on the source of movement. The object in question appeared to meet my gaze with two shiny, tiny black eyes partially obscured quivering whiskers. My synapes fired, and it dawned on me that I was staring at a fucking field mouse. In the window of the fucking restaurant! Holy cow! I smacked the side of my head and blinked, but my new-found friend remained, disconsolately licking its front paws.
I flailed at my brother. “Dude!” I exclaimed. “Dude!” Rendered mute, I merely pointed. His eyes focused on the spot my finger indicated and he just started cracking up. The mouse, as if aware of its status as the object of our ridicule, skulked off with its tail in the air, never to be seen from again.
I cannot even imagine what sort of creatures we will encounter this trip. Iguanas? Wolverines? I am just glad he is coming in. I need the support. Maybe for a few days I will be able to miss Kim a little bit less. Ross absolutely loves Kim, and she feels the same way about him. I wish he would have talked some sense into me a few months ago.
I cannot stop thinking about her eyes; I see them every time I close mine, as if she is on the opposite side of a one-way mirror.
Tonight is the season finale of ‘Scrubs’. J.D. and Kim. Of course her name has to be Kim. And of course she will get a second chance. Why the hell can’t life be more like a sitcom? I wish I could watch this one with my Kim so she could laugh at me when I cry like a little baby!
Love you, Doodle.
A 9-Year-Old’s Courage We Can Learn From Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Posted by T-Bomb in Heartbreak, Observations, St. Louis.add a comment
I read the most inspiring human interest story in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch yesterday. A mother was driving her 2-year-old daughter and 9-year-old son when the SUV she was piloting slipped over the side of the road and down an embankment. The vehicle landed nose first. On impact “it sounded like 15 cannons”, 9-year-old Chase Ringwall announced. The SUV rolled over onto its roof and came to a rest.
Chase’s first act was likely a measured response of panic: “I’m alive! I’m alive!”, he screamed. He called to his mother, who was suspended upside-down by her seatbelt in the drivers’-side seat. She was unresponsive and he immediately saw that “her head was in a pool of blood.” “I thought she was dead,” Chase said.
Chase Ringwall knew then he must take charge. He called to his sister, Maya, who was still conscious and established that she was unhurt. He then crawled under her seat and unfastened her belt. Chase let his sister fall onto his body to prevent her from being cut by the broken glass strewn about the vehicle.
He got Maya safely out of the SUV and went back for his mother. When he realized he would be unable to either arouse her or free her from the car seat he immediately climbed to the road to get help. He flagged down a motorist who, with the help of a pocket knife, was able to free Chase’s mother and call for the Rescue squad.
How many 9-year-olds would have the presence of mind to function at this level? Chase, the courage you demonstrated has lifted my soul. You saved your family. You brushed aside your fear and ran into, not away from, danger. You are a true hero.
Chase’s story has managed to lift the pall that hangs over my heart today. I only wish I had demonstrated that sort of courage a few months ago when it may have been enough to save my relationship with Kimberly.
With the continuing hope that she will be unable to resist occasionally peeking in on this blog, I want to say this: Kim, make sure you are not going to make the same mistake I have made. The way I see it, there are two ways to look at the events of the last 4 months. Your way is from simple necessity – necessity borne of the hurt I inflicted on you. As you told me, you never in your wildest dreams believed I would show up at your doorstep with my heart in my hand and “I love you” on my lips. You had an incredibly rough time getting through this. Now I fear that the hurt was so great that you cannot imagine placing yourself in that situation again. That is a risk you believe you would face were you to consider opening your heart to me and giving us another chance, and it is untenable to you.
This is completely reasonable and defensible. It is also exactly the course of action I had taken in the first place that led to this position. It was my own fear that precluded my ability to risk everything by opening my heart to you. Unfortunately it took me several months away from the wonder that is you to make me realize the risk is more than worth it.
If only I could make you see that since you still love me and still care very deeply for me that it just may be worth it for you to again take that risk. Which comes to my other point – the second way to examine the events that have transpired over the past 4 months.
In pushing you away from me I gave up the chance of something beautiful; of something close to perfection. I did this out of fear and primitive self-preservation instincts. You have taught me to overcome my past. You have taught me you are more than worth the risk. Sometimes when you love someone you have to find it in your heart to forgive their transgressions and give them another chance. All I ask is that you consider doing this. My fear put both of us in this boat; were I not an hermetically-sealed emotional basketcase you and I would probably living together and planning our future together. Please consider setting aside your own fear.
I love you. I cannot say it enough. I want to tell you every day, forever.
Joshua
First Dates, First Kisses, Twisters… Sunday, April 2, 2006
Posted by T-Bomb in St. Louis, Women.2 comments
It has been an absolute whirlwind of a week. There is a bit of a romance blossoming between Kim and me, and it is both wonderful and trememdously fun. For all you first-daters, I highly recommend dinner at Moxy on Laclede in the CWE. I reserved a window table for our first official date and the evening could not have been better!
We started off with the baked herbed goat cheese appetizer. Garlic-infused oil and wonderful, chunky whole-grain bread accompanied by soft, delicious chevre complimented our conversation nicely. I drank Penfolds and stared into those beautiful eyes as she laughed and flashed that sparkling smile.
Dinner for me was this phenomenal roast duck entree with herbed wild rice and steamed spinach. The duck was cooked to perfection, flavorful and not at all fatty or greasy. Kim had a delicious salmon glazed with a kind of honey maple reduction that was truly excellent.
After dinner we walked, hand in hand, to Brennan's, my favorite haunt in the West End. We sat in the cozy loveseat-for-two tucked back in the wine cellar. You could not imagine a more romantic backdrop: cozy booth, candlelight, the wonderful, earthy aroma of cigars and old wood. Our first kiss was electric, momentous. I felt the world spin beneath my feet in the ineluctable press of her soft, moist, slightly parted lips.
Later that evening, after we said goodnight, we made plans for Sunday brunch. Wildflower is my chosen spot in my neighborhood – I love their Eggs Benedict. Be both tried one of the specials: Maryland Benedict, consisting of poached egg and hollandaise sauce on top of their signature crab cake. Wow. Good stuff indeed.
Afterwards, we stopped by my place, right around the corner. We had planned on heading to the Museum of Art but never made it. Quit your naughty thinking! Nothing like that happened – it was only our second date.
So of course, later that afternoon, as we are talking, all hell breaks loose outside because some monster storm cell decides to blow through the area!
Now Kim has some training in Meteorology, and briefly considered it as a career. She looks out my window and up at the sky above Parc Frontenac and turns pale. "Wow", she exclaimed to me. "Look at that sky. Those are updrafts! Things are being sucked off of the ground!"
No sooner do these words tumble from her lips then, as if on cue, the severe weather siren sounds. Kim looks out the window, looks at the swirling winds and a sky turning the ugly grey-green of an ageing bruise, and through numbed lips tells me that she has never been this scared!
Whoa. Here is someone who has spent her entire life in the St. Louis metro area, has actually been in a tornado when she was 16, and is telling me she has never been so terrified by the weather conditions. That did it for me. I grabbed her in one arm, a flashlight in my other, and we retreated into the bathroom.
Fortunately, this fast-moving beast blew by in about 10 minutes. It did bring down trees in Forest Park and even damaged the Boat House, a place which I have been longing to go for brunch. Needless to say, I was spitting four-letter epithets and lamenting my migration from California! Stupid Midwest. I did know we would be fine though, because we were not in a trailer park! Why are those things magnets for twisters? It is amazing – it's like some maniacal hoosier-hating fuck is at the controls of the storm and maliciously steers it RIGHT FOR the shiny white boxes! Bye-bye, mullets!
Soon after, she said good-night and we parted. There is definitely potential here. Thanks, AEG, for a wonderful weekend!
Spring, my ass! Monday, March 20, 2006
Posted by T-Bomb in Rant, St. Louis.add a comment
Today is the vernal equinox. Try balancing an egg on its end. Of course you wouldn’t know it living in St. Louis, as it is going to snow 4 inches tomorrow.
I should make my inaugural post about something more exciting than a fucking weather report but I am so tired after two hours of grappling with the interface that the organ of my imagination has dried up. Besides, the good bitching will come Thursday through Sunday, when the ladies are out.
I could tell about a story about a woman so shockingly beautiful she stilled my breath for a full 5 minutes but, like a fine red, I think I will let that one age in the casks of my memory for a while.
